Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Waiting for Monday

I drafted this post a few weeks ago but just didn't have the heart to click "publish" until today.

I've had this injury now for 6 months. I've done a ton of Physical Therapy work, been advised by a sports medicine doctor, gone to the gym to do strength training, done foundations sports/core work.  I even tried Bikram Yoga for the high hamstring tendinosis.

Nothing has helped. In fact on most days I feel worse than I did back in February.

I have finally accepted the fact that I will not be able to run or ride again.  It is so painful for me to make this admission but fact is fact.  Things that I did even 3 months ago that caused me no pain, are now nearly debilitating.

The MD's response is "you are almost there." 
Bullshit.   I'm in more pain now than ever before. 
"Your leg strength is 100 times what it used to be" drones the PT. 
So what if I am still in pain constantly?
"You can swim in the meantime but you won't need to do it for long.." said the MD
I've now grown gills on my neck.
"Focus on other adventures" said the husband.
Like what? Running or riding my bike was my time for ME. It was MY time. Time to use as I wanted. I could meditate on a problem, clear my head entirely, focus on the trail in front of me, or even think of witty responses to people 3 days after they said something. 
"Well you can just relax now" says a co-worker.
Yes, I am so relaxed that my blood pressure is routinely 160/90.

I've thought about my life lately, and it is best captured by the tagline, "Waiting for Monday."  Remember when you couldn't wait for it to be friday afternoon?  Work was done and you had an entire 48 hours to do what you wanted ?  Looking forward to that long run or long bike ride was a favorite thought on fridays.  Getting together with friends after the run/ride for a cup of coffee was the perfect cap to a beautiful morning.

Now, friday is filled with dread.  Why? Because there is nothing to do until monday.  By saturday afternoon I've caught up on all of my Real Housewives shows along with the new Dallas series.  Since almost any physical activity causes pain, I sit. I sometimes eat some popcorn and then take a nap for the afternoon.  I awake at 3:30 pm trying to figure out something else I can do with my day.  Monday, with its structured work schedule can't come quickly enough.  My existence on the weekend is just waiting for monday.

I am not sure about continuing this blog or not. It seems completely ridiculous to do so considering that I can't even walk without pain on some days; but it is hard to let go because my blogs' existence gives me hope that someday I might be healthy enough to run again.


Well this just happened... Guess I should start writing again...